Yup, that's me. Well, that's what I feel like. Since I haven't written regularly in ages I feel like a total slacker. I have a few topics in mind, just haven't taken (made) the time to write. Part of this stems from drama with my parents. For whatever reason in usually flares up around then and comes really close to ruining Christmas for me. This year was of course no different. Directly after Thanksgiving it started. I was getting multiple phone calls a day from my dad only to have him tell me how I needed to quit lying and playing games with his life. The amusing thing is I don't have time for that kind of stuff. Add to the care of five children, maintaining a home, providing meals for my family, organizing hot lunch at school and the other details that this SAHM juggles without thinking, oh and an extra task of managing the neighbor's chores for the month of December the last thing I wanted to do is create more drama to ruin my parents' lives. They do that well enough on their own.
I was seriously at the point of exploding. I finally did. Everyone was coming at me with their issues of life and I generally only get to listen. Rarely does anyone hear what I say. Whether the hear the words I speak or listen to what I'm saying, I feel on a veritable island most days. Yes, dear husband, I feel the same with you. Everyone assumes that I sit around doing nothing all day, that I have a ton of free time and heck, I've got it easy.
There is the truth. The thoughts that have been floating in my head for weeks now. I feel like no one values me, my time or my thoughts. No one calls me to ask how I'm doing, no one truly cares how my day went when they get home, they all just start in on their needs and wants. Granted I'm not great at calling my friends and asking how they're doing, but when I'm free they're working and when they're on their way home there are a minimum of five kids causing chaos making it difficult to carry on any kind of conversation. What am I doing wrong that I feel so lost right now. What in the world would I come here to write about when no one cares anyway. I know that I started this blog in order to capture my thoughts and memories of this life, okay God I did that part, but I'm so lost and why would I want to capture and remember that?
Okay so this is getting therapeutic now. I get it, Dear Father, that's what I should be capturing here, spending time here "hearing" the things you say that I can only "hear" when I'm writing. Working through my sadness, lostness, loneliness and feeling your love. Okay, okay, you hear me, I get it now, I'll make more time to connect with you here.
I love you, Dad, Father of my soul, you are where the chaos of my life makes sense. Love, me, your daughter.