Saturday, October 5, 2013

When the Loneliness Overcomes You

There are times in this life when loneliness just overcomes me.  Surrounded by five kiddos on a daily basis "lonely" shouldn't be even on my radar, I think, but all the same it slaps me across the face some days. 2am this morning was one of those moments.  It's never a sudden realization, more like a couple of lonely months that lead up to a hard reality check.  I'm quite seriously not one of those people that "can't be alone" and constantly in contact with friends or family but there are moments that being alone in this world nearly drowns me.
The thing I laid in bed this morning pondering is why no one wants me.  Since day one as an "accident" I have always know I wasn't planned and wanted, just dealt with as a consequence of some teenage actions.  Throughout life when someone needs me I am good enough to talk to regularly but as soon as that needy time is over I am left in the dust like a worn out shoe.  I will honestly say that I'm not all that great at connecting with others.  I don't know when your use for me is going to be "over" and therefore don't know how to handle the friendship sometimes anyway. 
It's was a long summer for me.  A girlfriend of mine that has spent the past few years dreaming and planning for the man God had for her met a man.  Is he what I pictured her dreaming of?  Nope.  She has fallen head over heels for him and moved on to another phase of her life?  Yup.  One of which I am not a part of.  I watch from a distance, heart broken over a friendship lost and a mother and daughter on a path that I (through my non-rose colored glasses) looks rough and scary.  Is she happy there, I assume so because she is going, going, gone.
We have friends moving into their new post-fire home nearly 15 months after a fire destroyed everything they owned July 7, 2012.  I have watched from a distance and enjoyed getting to know their family in the last 15 months.  I plan to take some food over and help for as long as my schedule allows.  This brings me to the root of what broke my heart at 2am this morning.  I sent a text saying to expect us around mid-morning.  The response, 'Oh, I didn't know you were able to help!'  Now it shouldn't bother me but I only offered about six times and said I'd plan to be there.
So in my laying awake wondering what makes me so disposable and why the words I say fall on deaf ears it dawned on me that it's okay.  I'm not alone as my Father is always with me.  It's a time for me to focus on my family, myself and my dreams.  I'm just not the kind to have a "bestie" and honestly that's just not my style.  So while I haven't posted like this in a long time, apparently it was overdue and on the off chance in your loneliness you stumble across this, know that you're not "alone" right now, you're just doing your own thing.  Several hours later I'm still sad and heavy of heart at this moment but yet I'm feeling better.  I like me, I like doing my own thing, I'm not a shopper, a girly-girl, a gossiper, a drinker, a work-outer or a bestie.  I am me, redneck woman, mom to five, essential oil/going natural mama, rescuer, helper, prayer, reader, blogger, blessing counter, cheerleader, dreamer, wanderer, God lover, I am me.
Who are you?  Be content in that.  It is good enough.  God will be your best friend, there's noone better than Him for the job anyway.  If you need another friend, well, I'm in Iowa, but I'm willing to be there in whatever way you need me, it's who I am.

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