Sunday, August 5, 2012

Breathe Deep

How in the world does this happen?  My family sucks.  Now, yes my husband and I have issues and I'm learning more everyday about parenting my children but I'm not even talking about them.
I'm so frustrated with MY family, my brother, my mother and my father.  Our family is quite interesting.  If you look back through my posts you'll find bits and pieces of the story so I'm not gonna cover anything I possibly already have.
My mother lives with us, having a financial mess to deal with she moved in December 2011 so that when she had her knee replacement surgery we could help her.  We also wanted to be able to ease financial burdens in the meantime as well.  My dad is living who knows where and we "talk" to him maybe once a month.  My brother is eight years younger than me and I attempt to help in any way that I can whenever I can.  I know that I wasn't there in times he needed me and I will always feel bad for that.  In the last five years I have gone to court with him, taken him to probation meetings and pretty much felt like I was on call as I needed to be.  In the last two years I have had the pleasure of watching him mature and manage the details of his crazy life.  I am so damned proud of him in all honesty.  This is where the guilt comes in.  I feel bad in the times of his life that I wasn't there for him because I was wrapped up in my own life as a young wife and mother.  Yes, I know that it wasn't my job to raise him and give him the tools to get through life as a solid man, he is my brother.  I also am quite aware of where my parents lack in their abilities to teach us and love us in the ways that which they should have.  There again I fully understand that when they launched into a life of marriage and parenting they were 17 and 18, so they had a crazy long road ahead of them.  What I don't get is why I, at 33 years of age I feel like I am failing the three of them in some major ways.
I am never more than a phone call away.  In order to help my brother save money we helped him manage a bill which we credit card auto pay and he is to reimburse us for each month, last paid in May.  In April he was given the ability to have a "work permit" and since he didn't have a car borrowed ours for "a couple weeks" until he figured something out, still has it.  I attempt to rarely assume that my mom can "just watch them" (the kiddos) because she's not just a built in and free baby-sitter, she deserves her own life.  In knowing that paying bills is a task I give my brother the benefit of the doubt and figure he'll pay the bill eventually.  I in turn take plenty of heat from the hubs about it.  I will occasionally ask for his help with mechanic type stuff because he knows what to do and I'll happily consider us "even" in turn.  Dad, well he's not around much.
The frustration comes when I get ignored for days or then cursed at for bringing it up.  I had no idea I'm so freaking dis-repectful and in turn that's what I deserve.
I don't have anyone that I want to "bother" with this so I came here to vent instead.  I could go on and on, this really is very much a short version of the story.  I feel somewhat better already.
If you stopped by this is proof that I am real and willing to "run off at the mouth" sometimes.  Something I ask of you, say a prayer for me (and my crazy, messed up family) I think I need it!
Deo Volente

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