Last week, Christmas night a dear friend messaged me to inform me that their baby had passed. Due in May it was to be the first born to this woman and her husband. Christmas 2012 was heartbreaking due to a miscarriage and so many of us were anxiously waiting May and this babe's arrival. Older siblings were excited, extended family and friends were excited, a babe to spoil and love. Christmas 2013 was overshadowed by laying this sweet boy to rest on the 26th. We'll see you someday, baby boy, some wonderful day.
In reflecting over this loss, the chaos of the last few months and knowing that tomorrow can be equally full of surprises I'm wondering what to do with myself. I feel lost, my heart is heavy, my brain is muddled, something needs attention here.
I was reminded that people pick one word to strive for growth in the new year. I am not a resolution maker, never have been. I am a striver, I like to have something to strive, reach and dream for. I am generally pretty sucky at follow through though, so here's where being here comes in. I'm doing this post today to set myself to task. I'd love to say "I'll blog once a week!" when reality is I"ll be blessed to pull one off a month.
So, here's my word - Devotion.
I struggled over what word to choose. Devotion, focus, patience, love, peace, faith...the list of where I can improve is always quite long. In the end I kept coming back to devotion.
Devotion - love, loyalty or enthusiasm for a person, activity or cause
This I do somewhat well anyway. Baby loss, completely devoted to those facing those painful aches. Natural living, totally wrapped up in finding ways to better care for my family. Wifely-ing, been at it for nearly 14 years (yikes) and do a half-decent job, most days. Mommy-ing, manage these five like a momma bear, just don't get me growly and I've been growly more often than not lately.
So I think it's time for some devotion work in my life. Devoting my heart to my Father and letting Him guide me. Like a rushing stream I get all wound up and messy where I need to just follow the path that He has already designed for me. Getting all murky and sullied when the storms arise, losing my footing and sliding down the slippery slope of life. I love to be there for people, love to serve the ones I love but I need to better ground myself and focus this enthusiasm for life.
I look forward to seeing what 2014 holds. In devotion I step into a new year, a new day and anticipate what God will share with me. I look forward to coming back every couple weeks or so and capturing my progress. Devotion, exactly what this frazzled heart needs.